aishas website

microblog

2025-05-28

• now one thing i am REALLY struggling with is a blogging system. you might have noticed that this is microblog isn't a true blogging system and an actual blog does exist, surprisingly enough. this is something i wish to use primarily, as using a microblog is largely a waste of time. these are things that should be personal diary entries and blogs are where my public facing thoughts should be. even as i write this microblog entry, i know all of this could've been one nice meaty blog post instead. i do want to move my website to 11ty soon and maybe that makes this easier. but with my previous experience with astro, i'm cautious about using SSGs. let's see though.

• i am now going to try and make some changes to this website. it's been a while since it got a decent facelift and i love wasting my time doing that. that being said, i do actually want yo make meaningful content changes. the site is fine as it is but it doesn't host a lot of valuable information.

• i created a capture of this website! seeemingly it's the first (working) capture ; capture

• not to be cliche but HOW THE HELL IS THE TIME GOING BY? WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S ALMOST JUNE? MY ENTIRES ARE SO RETRO

2025-04-30

• starting to realise a friend group i thought i was close with has kinda abandoned me. i feel like that one person no one really wants around but they dont want to say it to my face. i dunno when my life became so lonely but that's how it feels these days. i really just don't belong anywhere... this is like a 12 year olds diary but man i really do feel so lost and alone in this world sometimes.

• not gonna lie, i was tired from work and spent some time just organizing my obsidian vault. and while i always struggled with resting, i found this strangely fulfilling. more than forcing myself to play a game or watching a movie is. i think i finally understood what people mean when they say "let your brain wander and do what it wants, let your curiosity guide you, that's how you rest with adhd."

2025-04-29

• socializing online is... hard. i'm not using social media much these days. i use discord, but i use it as a messaging service more. i could certainly go on discord servers more often, probably should. discord is better than using something like twitter/bluesky, and far better than using something like reddit. those options are almost always just endless scroll time sinks and not truly socialization. but discord feels often the same. i don't feel like i go on discord to make connections, i just spend some time with some people on a server, emulating some socialization, but these servers often are filled with people i don't personally care about and couldn't care about, none of these spaces appeal to me. what am i doing wrong? is there really no way for me to socialize?

• and i know most people will tell me to simply go outside. this is not an option for me. the place i live in has nothing i'm interested in to do outside. there's not even a library near me. can you imagine not having a library near you? a place completely void of any real appreciation of art or humanity. what a pity. but yes, i sure do need to find ways to socialize more...

2025-04025

• voice training is so funny bc i decided to try out this app that apparently looks at your pitch and tries to suggest good pitch ranges for masc/fem voices. and i look at it and im like huh okay then. my v oice seems to mostly in the fem range i guess? i just have some kinks to work out. then i toop a clip of a voice i would like to sound like and it has more masc range than i do... its from a cis woman. amazing things are happening out here

2025-04-24

• i just realised i've been writing posts in the wrong order, so under each day, the first post is older and the last is the newest. oops! i'll write it right from this day on!

• i often think about finding sim racing communities that work for my goal of a community that bands together for events, races, has leaderboards and stuff. an actual *community*, not just a bunch of people in the same server. i can't find one like it for queer people, so i often want to make my own. but i dont know enough people for it i think. but i really, really want to someday. but man it's such a niche community inherently, much less when i lock it to queer people, a niche inside a niche. of a community that is so shunned from the niche that you rarely ever find people like it in it. i mean how often would a cis woman be able to get into cars when everyone in the car community seemingly hates women in the scene?

• i think being a car fan while being neither cis, nor het, nor male, nor white is kinda ass. so much of the car community i've seen is just kinda bigotted to d a degree that disgusts me and i'm. honestly kinda tired. it's not even that they're overtly bigotted it's more like "oh yeah we're cool" and then they'll misgender you and go "it's not that big a deal chill" or some shit. i even saw a reddit post wondering if there's any gay communities in sim racing and the comments were just "dont bring that into this" and it's like such an easy way to avoid responsbiilty and i *hate* it.

2025-04-18

• friendships are so fickle. i've been reflecting on how many friendships i've had that at the time felt like they would last forever but i only vaguely remember them now. i wonder how many i've forgotten, ones i thought were just as important. some i can remember, some i can even contact now if i could. but things aren't the same. how do you deal with that? i think it's just about accpeting the passage of time. that things really do just change. but historically, i've struggled with change.

• this is an offshoot of a different thing i was thinking about; my desire to document every little thing and have an insanely structured system to retrieve

2025-04-17

• oh man. i watched this video and really i was only watching it to see what it had to say, i didn't particularly think i needed to watch that video. but then i did. and now i'm wondering if maybe i went from having an anxious attachment style to an avoidant one? i think i exhibit both but lately i'm starting to think i'm growing more towards avoidant? i like being alone far too much... of course all of this is also just very iffy but man...

• being into so many different art forms kinda sucks. i have ideas, do i express them in a song? a youtube video? a movie? a fictional story i write?

2025-04-06

• i feel like crying. i don't know why i'm so bad at marvel rivals now. i swear i stopped caring about games but ugh FUCK FUCK FUCK why can't i be good at SOMETHING. are you fucking kidding me i could at least fucking feel proud about being good at SOMETHINg. but now i suck at rivals too! i can't even FUCKIKNG HEAL. ALL I HAVE T ODO IS HEAL. i'm note ven playing dps oh my fucking GOD> pleas kdjfsasdl;tjk afla;lsdfghjk ujm80i rw43 azsdfgo iu FUCK! IJ FUCKING HATE IT ,. why can't i be good at fucking SOMETHING . anything at all. what the fuck ANYONE is better than me literally people who aren't even triyng can do better than me WHY CANT I DO IT. even if i get good now it'll take so so much fucking EFFORT WHY AM I FUCKING FUCK I FEEL SO FUCKING STUPID. things people can do without trying are things i take months of efffort to do. WHAT THE FUCK . FUCK FUCK ME FUCK THIS I HATE THIS FUCKING BITCH OH MY GOD FUCK YOU

• LIFE UPDATE I GOT INSANE HEALING AND MVP AS LUNA SNOW IN A MATCH I"M BACK IM FUCKING BACK OMFGGGG

• finsihed friendly neighborhood spider-man. what a lovely finale, i really like this show! didn't expect a modern adaptation to stick with me so much but it did. they really did a good job with how they handled this peter. i did dislike how reliant he is on other people at first but i do think it was part of his arc, going from osborn jr. to becoming spider-man, much like mcu spider-man did. not a huge fan of it but i get the vision. i hope he becomes much more independent as the show goes on.

• ALSO GIVE ME SILK. i think cindy moon is in the show, it's just that she won't show up till like at least 3-4 seasons later bc she does need to be kept away from the world for her character arc... HOW UNFORUTNATE

2025-04-04

• when i say my heart skipped a beat oh my god the snow bunny mind control got to me fellas...

• she like me...

• i'm finally on top of all the work i currently have availaible to do ! it feels so nice to be able to laze around now...

• my ssd is falling apart, i need a new one so bad... i can't decide if i want an external one or an internal one but... i really have no reason not to get an internal one tbh, i can get a 500 gb one, install windows on it, get linux on my current SSD, BOOM! perfect system.

• just saw a post of an overwatch player complaining about marvel rivals and i think i'm starting to detest the ow fanbase again. it's a bit like how people hate tf2 players now, i really don't care about ow as a game but the players are the most annoying people ever. it's something i've always kinda felt but i think with rivals coming around and there being an actual good alternative to it and still insisting on playing overwatch because you hate moving on to a better game bc it feels like a ripoff is meh. gives the same vibe as CSGO players being condescending to valorant players (except csgo is at the very least a good game on the same level as valorant) someone being an overwatch fan is now a red flag to me. ow players dni!

• i'm still so stressed out from the last few days of work. i can't believe i'm [i]this[/i] bad at handling stress. i have to do better!

2025-04-03

• i just noticed i have a little over 300 hours in marvel rivals now. i checked and i have almost 700 hours in team fortress 2... so if you're not picking this up, i have half the amount of time in rivals now that i have spend in tf2 in my entire life. of course a lot of it is idle time but that's true for both games. still, can you believe it? tf2, a game i have spend a large amount of my childhood to... is actually not even that much when you consider that i already spent so much on rivals... or maybe i just spend way too much time on rivals... i'm so fucking cooked ( ~ 12 pm )

• i still have a lot of work going on but i'm doing well i think. very tiring yesterday but today i feel a bit relieved, my extreme push was pretty helpful i think, i can actually breathe today. what felt like a mountain i could never conquer yesterday, today feels like something i can do pretty easily with a lot of margin left. plus i can watch youtube and play games here and there to relax so... yay! ( ~ 12 pm )

• i finished the project i was working on for a sample for a company to get a job. they turned me down. i have to say, i was really proud of what i had made and while i can't say it was peak by any means, i can't help but feel a little bit disappointed. but that's just hob hunting for you i guess. not the end of the world, i'm still making decent cash this month from the projects i'm working on so it's fine. just very sad that i didn't get the job, but then again, first one, no way was it going to happen anyway. i did think they wanted someone "beginner" ish so i was hoping i'd get it (considering the thing i made was very much not just "beginner" material) but oh well. moving on! (14:57)

• on the plus side my workload is now significantly reduced. i just have two projects left now, as opposed to the 4 from yesterday and they're relatively easier since they're things i'm familiar with. yay! i get some free time to relax, would you believe it? (14:59)

• when i'm sad or inspired, i send messages to my old account, it's always nice opening that account up and seeing messages i wrote to myself at some point

  

2025-04-02

• oh my, [i]GOD[/i]. i got back home last night and today has been such a tiring day and it's still just 5 PM and i have more work ahead of me than behind me. i had to spend my whole day working on 4 seperate projects. FOUR. i barely even do one a day usually! one of them is literally a demo i have to give for a fucking job i need. and the others are from a guy who keeps piling more work on me. i mean 3 in a day? are you INSANE? oh my god. i really do appreciate everything he does for me but GODDDD i can't do all this? it's just like... i do something and BOOM more work. i'm not even sure if i can submit that video i need to send FOR A JOB at this rate.

• what's really making this bad is that my hard drive is failing me. my editing software and files are saved on that hard drive! so it randomly crashes and i lose progress and everything closes. i CANT EVEN DOWNLOAD AND GET ALL THE FOOTAGE I NEEd. it's taken me like more than an hour of time purely dealing with this bullshit. i swear if my pc was good i would've at least saved 2 hours today and hey maybe even got this shit done! FUCK BEING POOR FUCK CAPITALISM OH MY GOD

2025-03-31

• sigh... another month almost over, huh? time really does go by too fast.

• it's the last day of my fun little trip. tomorrow will be the drive back. and then after that? work as usual. really hate living under capitalism. i dunno what's stopping me now though, i think im just stressed about my future. but i really do wish i could go back to spending all my time working on art. and exploring whatever interests come my way.

• on the plus side, i think i'm feeling much better mentally. hey i even feel like playing video games so... something must be right

• on the other hand, the fatalism of reality is catching up to me. i often think about how my parents have gotten old now and will probably not be around in a decade or so. i dont think i ever really thought about that. i have, but it's hard to accept it. i'm scared honestly, i do not want to be alone. but such is life i suppose. still, i want to see them live happily and i wish i could do more to make their lives easier. it's part of what makes me work harder... as hard as i can anyway.

2025-03-30

• after my old web/retro nostalgia surge from yesterday, i decided to play a new retro game. this time i ended up picking ff vi, this is amazing because usually i spend 3 days on trying to pick a game and never pick one. i have no idea why i picked this one but i decided to just say fuck it and go with it. if nothing else, i'll go play tony hawks pro skater or something lol

• ...so i didn't acutally succeed at playing ffvi. turns out there's a lot of different editions of it and i decided im better off playing this on my pc back at home with the pixel remaster and some patches.

• i mostly came here to note something else though; a game called kuro no ken and i found a review of it saying it's a "half-gem"... so you mean average...????????? CAN YOU NOT JUST SAY THAT?!

2025-03-29

• on my old web shit again, since i'm on a trip, i only have my laptop and having a laptop with arch on it means... ricing! the goal is to make something simple though so nothing too fancy. honestly just wanted to make this update so you can see my funny jacky chan music payer theme

  
• it's a bit crazy how much easier my life is in some ways now that i'm not ony social media anymore. this shit really does get easier when you leave things like that behind. i'm not lonely anymore, i don't feel insecure about myself nearly as much as i used to. sure, i may not be watching things i love with friends, i don't have a group i hang out with everyday, i don't have a lot of things i once thought i wanted but once i stopped being reminded of it, i really did just stop caring.
• i've been playing a lot of marvel rivals. honestly love that game so much. genuinely addicted. helps that i got a decent few friends from it too somehow
• as i said, i'm on a trip, it's nice. no pc, i just relax and work on system, learn the guitar a little. just vibing really. life is good.

2025-01-15

• THE NEW DAREDEVIL TRAILER IS SO GOOD??? oh my god i wasn't expecting it to be good...
• working on a new video for gta san andreas and i got into machinima,,, THIS IS SO MUCH FUN but also so so hard since there's bascially no resources LOL
• how has it been so long since i listened to porter robinson? oh my god i've been so distracted i forgot porter exists LOL i listened to the unreleased songs and live edits in the background while i was working on this website (i was moving it back to html/css from astro) and i had so much fun... i'm listening to smile :d rn. i love this so much!!! i love porter robinson
• it's so funny how people are moving to redpages since tiktok got banned, i tried to make an account on it but i can't bc life hates me.
• hhh i'm so annoyed i can't seem to figure out how i want this website to turn out... wish me luck
• hello world! this is my microblog (13:48)